Contemplating Writing

Contemplating writing. I have bumped into a few of my writings lately cleaning out files. I read it with my usual feeling I get of, "I WROTE this??"  All my life, when writing, stuff comes out that I have no recollection of. I work the words until they match the images in my mind, and then it's "perfect" and I'm done. I guess like how composers get the music down on paper? (Disclaimer: I don't compose music. AT ALL).

Blogs are many things. There's a lot of "advice" about them from "experts." But advice can only be given with the end in mind. Profit? Recognition? Brand-building? Soap boxing? How about Pure Joy? I'm going to Google that ... (2 mins later)... Hm, very, very little comes up in the search "Blogging for Pure Joy."

In English class, they called it "voice." What "voice" is the "piece" written in? Who's talking? Who is the voice talking TO? .... which leads to "...will anyone listen?" What if they won't? Will I care? Can I take my own mental commentary about how that potentially reflects my worth as a human being? I could lock it down, and write only FOR ME. Abe says do things just for the joy of it.

And so I turn my attention beyond my own thoughts and ASK (...and it is given, ha ha)

J. But what to write about?
A. "Whatever I want."
J. But where to put it?
A. Out there.
J. But what's the Bucket?
A. YOU
J. But .... but ....
A."You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." (the quote is read in The Secret)
J. I don't feel qualified.
A. To be you?
J. No, to post it on the internet.
A. Idiots post to the internet, don't sweat it.
J. But what if they SEE me?
A. Right. What if they SEE you and your decades of thinking / processing / functioning OUT OF THE BOX and why things go so well for you... You say your son is a social experiment in raising a human being by simply doing one's best to get out of it's way, while keeping it safe from harm and modeling how to get along here on Earth. BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOU'RE THE PREQUEL (sequel... prequel...)
J. Nailed.
...................................
J. OK but I get tired of my own wordiness sometimes. I enjoy the pouring out of it all, but it becomes tedious to sift back through it. Certainly if I do, others will too.
A. What do you enjoy? (about reading my own writing)
J. The Clarity. The timing, the wit. The keen observations - ooh that's cliche - the sharp focus on something not previously distinguished that way.
A. So... the Clarity. The Clarity of something that came into focus in a way that only you have expressed quite like it ever before.
J. Nailed. I HEAR the value.
A. Yup.

J. So DefensiveDressing.com is a good place for this?
A. Well sure... your favorite paleo recipe girl Mel posts paleo-world famous stuff to something called, "The Clothes Make the Girl"
J. Hm. Right-o.
A. Don't overthink it.
..................................

J. So what do I post? I "hid" the previous ones, except how the blog was born.
A. This.

"I'll Have Photos Taken When I'm _____"

I know right now I'm guilty of this -Uh oh - I just realized my husband has been asking for the purse shots for THREE-POINT-FIVE YEARS. He bought me a beautiful triangle-shaped purse on a vacation in Italy that would be a fantastic photo prop strategically and tastefully placed to block TMI. When I see the purse, I feel guilty and a little sad, it's actually an awesome idea for a photo shoot. But since it involves just me "in the raw" and only a purse for coverage, I'm waiting until until I look _____ (fill in roving excuse: more thin, in better shape, more tan, etc). Ironically, at the time we bought the purse, I was about 12 pounds thinner & I look at photos from that trip and I realize I looked GREAT. (Dammit, why didn't I do it then?!) Well waiting to look younger isn't really an option, so I'd better suck it up and do the shoot ASAP!

I think the blog entry linked to here is a PERFECT injection of balanced sanity regarding our opinion of ourselves; it speaks perfectly to the heart of DefensiveDressing.com.

Taken from the About section of her website, myfriendteresablog.com, here's a little about the author: 

"Teresa is a portrait photographer from Cary, NC specializing in family, baby, and senior portrait photography. Her work has been recognized by Rolling Stone Magazine and published on The Huffington Post. Her blog post "So You're Feeling Too Fat to be Photographed" has reached over 3 million people (and counting!)."

Well Teresa, make me # 3 million and counting plus 1 more, and THANK YOU.

http://myfriendteresablog.com/so-youre-feeling-too-fat-to-be-photographed/

I Didn't Stage It, These Women REALLY Said This!

I didn't stage this.

Pita Jungle healthy restaurant, 4 women friends, hummus with cucumbers for all, none of those wheat-starchy pitas for these gals!

Lori's red hair accentuates her bright eyes, creamy skin & flirty smile, and the hot pink scarf she wears screams "I'M SASSY, CAN YOU TAKE IT?!"

Tarley is sporting her hot pink, skin tight workout pants that accentuate her new 18% body fat frame; headphones around her neck have become her signature look from always coming from the the gym as she prepares for her personal goal of being in a swimsuit competition next year as she celebrates her 40 years on Earth.

Sara's blonde hair and beautiful jawline show off her ad-worthy million-dollar smile, accented by her penetrating blue eyes, while the "windows" of her slitted-shoulder burgundy top allow her soft, pale skin to peek through - subtle, like it was an accident to be sexy.

I'm woman #4 - I know I look good, fall colors, newly done hair, boots to drool over - I can't see me, so I don't really know what else to say. But hey, I'm an attractive, fit-in 4th chick at this table. If I were a man over 25, I'd be actively checking us out. If I were a man under 25, we look like a good litter of cougars.

Two of us are single/no kids, two of us are married with kid(s). The conversation makes it's way to this blog that they haven't yet heard of. "What do YOU want to focus on in 2014, Jennifer?" As I respond, I say the phrase, "Defensive-Dressing-dot-com." Immediately, they ALL know exactly what I'm talking about, although none have them have heard the phrase before today. As is the norm with this amazing, genuine, evolved group of women, they begin to spontaneously share/confess:

Lori wrapped her voluptuous, va-voom self in the traffic-stopping flirty hot pink scarf in defense to the thought that Tarley and her now-perfect ass will look amazing, so Lori's scarf will divert attention from what she perceives to be her less-than-perfect ass. Lori DRIPS sensuality, NOTHING to defend, but well done, nevertheless - it worked!

Tarley laughs and says she wore the pink skin-like pants today instead of darker ones, because she "knew there wouldn't be a lot of people at the gym today," and apparently is defensive about the way the pink ones look versus other choices. But her entire bottom half, with full booty & long legs is ENVIABLE in any color.

Sara tells us about her lamentation process at her closet this morning because she ate her way through Thanksgiving and gained some mass. So she spent quite a bit of time Defensive Dressing before lunch to find what would camouflage her perceived latest issues to defend. Finally, she settled on jeans with the top with cutouts on the shoulders... which Jen (me) had ironically noticed immediately at the table, and thought was very casual sexy and flirty while still totally "daytime wear."

I personally chose something fall, warm, colors that look good on me, making sure the sweater vest hung lower than my butt, with freshened lipstick that sets the whole thing off as an "outfit." I was meeting with these beautiful, successful women and simply wanted to fall in line, looking pretty (although also knowing I could have shown up in sweats with no makeup and they'd be just as delighted to see me).

As these amazingly powerful, sharp, beautiful women shared today's live-action report of Defensive Dressing, we were all LAUGHING at what we did, how we thought, what we assumed. We laughed at ourselves, we laughed at each other, and we laughed WITH each other at the whole nuttiness that not ONE of us was exempt - we ALL literally Dressed Defensively today before leaving the house! 

It's hard work. It takes effort, energy, contemplation, strategy. More often that not, it is done from our point of view of what there is to camouflage, to compensate for, hide, distract from... To DEFEND.. ourselves... our selfs... against certain "other" parts of... our selfs... which now that I break it down, seems about as logical as being on an inflatable boat while firing shots at the other end of the boat.  

Fortunately, it turns out there's some fun to be had in becoming aware of this Defensive Dressing thing. It's simply our attempt to FEEL BETTER about ourselves in the midst of the inner battle. I don't know that we can (yet) stop it, but in the midst of it, we can embrace it and laugh at it's silliness.

"Don't Worry, Be Happy!" Even With Fat Thighs

This past weekend I was exploring San Diego (again) with my husband and friends; I was HAPPY. The weather was perfect, the restaurants' food and table locations for us were perfect, we found the perfect shopping items that we didn't even know we were looking for, the perfect parking spots opened up as we approached.

Today is a day back at home. Turns out it's not only perfect in San Diego, it's also perfect here. The weather is perfect, the wind chime rings the perfect tone. My home-made arugula and turkey salad was the perfect lunch. The instructional videos I found for a project are perfect. My son's path into adulthood is unfolding in a perfect (and interesting) fashion. It is perfect that I ran out of half and half, which is often an element of the perfect cup of coffee for me, because it prompts me to walk to the store today, the perfect instigator to drive me out for some exercise on this perfect-outdoor day.

But is it REALLY "Perfect?"  ??? 

Well, does it really MATTER if it's perfect by any other standard by my own?  My mother, for example, would flatly state it is NOT - it is too hot - her "perfect" weather is under 70 degrees. 

Q. What in the hell does this have to do with "Defensive Dressing"?! 

A. I could effortlessly argue it's NOT a perfect day because my upper thighs are not as toned I would prefer, and the lines around my mouth that I see in the mirror are deeper than what I deem prettiest. Oh, and my fingernails are DEFINITELY much weaker than they would be on a perfect day!

So am I delusional?  Am I one of those annoyingly cheerful people? I suppose I spend perfect evenings scrapbooking all my happy memories too?  (Not that it matters, but Uh, no).  

For the past year and a half, I have worked with my emotions and thoughts as a PRACTICE - meaning practice-but-not-perfected - of training myself in the direction of looking for the perfection (a.k.a. gratitude, good attitude). I have read, heard, felt, experienced, "drank the Koolaid" about the benefits. We've heard it all our lives, the earliest exposures probably being a calligraphied "inspirational" plaque decorated with tulips or butterflies or a sunset hanging above the towel bar in someone's guest bathroom, or a maybe a poster with cute puppies on it hanging on the preschool wall.

"Attitude is Everything." 
"Have An Attitude of Gratitude." 
"Whether you believe you can or you can't, you are right." 
"10% of life is what happens, 90% of life is our attitude towards it." 
"What you focus on expands." 
"YOU decide if the glass half empty or half full." 
"Choose to be Happy." 
"You are what you think about." 
"Life is what you make of it." 
"DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY!" 
(On and on and on.........)

I wasn't always like this. As a kid I wouldn't have been considered "Emo" as I didn't dress in lots of black & use heavy eyeliner, but I was pretty sarcastic and leaned to a negative first response.  "Oh, GREAT. (SIGH)" "Just my luck. (SIGH)" "Oh COURSE that would happen just I get here... (SIGH)" "Cheerful people bug me." 

Now I have "a determination for JOY" within me.  I make every effort to lean in the direction of feeling just a little better. Because it makes life ACTUALLY BETTER. There's value in creating and drinking your own KoolAid, and it's not airy-fairy value, it's REAL. The next hour of your life is YOUR LIFE. Next weekend is a weekend of YOUR LIFE. Do you define yourself by an Eeyore attitude without knowing it? (you know, from Winnie the Pooh, the donkey a.k.a. ass, hmmm). Would it be terribly painful to actually have nothing significant to bitch about from the next hour or next weekend? No "horror" story to tell the people you work with, or your sister, or whomever you share life's miseries with? Might it be worth it to have no crap to share, but to tell the good parts with a smile? Might you lose some co-commiserates in the process because you got all cheerful? YES. AND THAT COULD REALLY HELP to not have to listen to their misery which validates your misery which builds like a backed-up toilet...

So here's what I'm focused on: "I can thrive under any and all conditions. I can be joyful under any and all conditions. I can find interesting things to think about or participate in under any and all conditions. I am not held captive by my environment, by my culture, by my government, by my relationships, by ANYTHING. I am the creator of my reality, because I have CONTROL of my THOUGHTS."   Wanna join me? It's actually okay if you don't. But I still gave you something to ponder for maybe a future time  ;-)

The Birth Story of Defensive Dressing

Q. Where did "Defensive Dressing" start as a term and a blog? 

A. In my mind, as a naturally obvious description of what it is like to get dressed when one feels one has something to "hide" under clothing, thus we Dress Defensively. It was such a natural term to me that I didn't realize it wasn't in common usage, until I spoke it a few times and people asked what that meant. I'd say, "You know, when you pick out what you are wearing like, 'Okay, this shirt will camouflage my back fat / love handles / belly." Then with instant recognition, people would light up, "What a GREAT way to describe it!" (And I would think, "Well, duh, that's why I said it...") 

Then I signed up for a workout challenge, where I had to make SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, blah blah - Google it if you care). She wanted me to set a weight goal, but my honest response was that I don't know nor care what number I want to be, I just know what I want to look and feel like. I have been in trouble in the past obsessing over the number beyond my toes, and it SUCKS. I don't want my mood swings related to a 4-second placement on a scale, it's just asking for a round of talking myself off the internal ledge over a .2 pound gain that might be PMS or salted food, or yes maybe FAT but it's POINT-TWO pounds. She grudgingly accepted that I would measure myself on a scale of 1-10 of my sense of Defensive Dressing.

A 1 on the scale of Defensive Dressing is freely grabbing any article of clothing, throwing it on and looking and feeling amazing in it. A 10 on the scale of DD is wishing I looked Polynesian so the daily wearing of huge, flowey muu muus would simply appear to be deep dedication to my heritage through traditional dress; in other words, at 10, ALL articles of clothing are chosen to attempt to HIDE OUR STUFF.

As I continued to use the term, more people related. Even men (the civilized ones, not the cheap-beer-guzzling ones that actually believe they still look awesome in that wife beater) say they definitely understand Defensive Dressing. Come on, it's the unwritten mission of Tommy Bahama wear: "Our mission is to provide $120 man-shirts to hang (hopefully) gracefully over your man-belly that's ingested a few too many $120 martini dinners."

Then one day I was at my friend Lisa's, sharing with her my story of DD-ing on my last Vegas trip. The nature of her business is very reliant upon internet marketing, so I guess her head goes there in reflex: "DEFENSIVE DRESSING DOT COM!" she blurted out at top volume. I got a rush of energy that was reeeeally fun, and I knew she was onto something. She rushed to her computer to see if it was available as I almost held my breath... I really CARED about this website, which was weird. "IT'S AVAILABLE!" she yelled. So I grabbed it with no idea what I'd do with it, but it was MINE. It SHOULD be mine, it felt right.

I Googled the term, and amazingly enough, it was a phrase rarely used. Relating to actual FASHION, I found one article scanned from the 80's or 90's that used the phrase, but the author was using it to tell women to avoid getting attacked by men by not wearing mini-skirts and the like - dress "defensively" to avoid rape. (Oh, okay to be accurate, I just checked - it was written in 2008 in the Deseret News if that means anything to any of you; it FEELS like it's from the 80s because she suggests wearing padded shoulders to appear bigger and wear baggy opaque clothing and fedora hats to add height, all of which made for a fashionable ensemble in my high school years).

The other reference was a single blog entry 5 years ago by a young woman who dressed in something she really liked because she knew work would be crappy - she "defensively dressed" cheerfully against the impending misery of her employment. 

UNBELIEVABLE. It sure FELT like it was a common term.........

I loved sniglets as a kid - anyone remember those? I mean LOVED THEM, I had the books. For those who missed the early 80's and/or the HBO show "Not Necessarily the News," a sniglet is "any word that doesn't appear in the dictionary, but should".

I have always loved expressing myself with brilliant words that may or may not be real but I follow it by saying, "If it's not a word, it should be," and I'm totally serious. Defensive Dressing is my own sniglet phrase.